Up@dawn 2.0 (blogger)

Delight Springs

Monday, March 13, 2023

America’s Most Dangerous Myth?

Americans are taught that they have to go it alone. But what if we also valued the art of dependence?

From a child's earliest age, independence is extolled as a virtue, with "doing things on your own" as proof of maturity. I celebrated my daughter when she was little for picking out her books herself. She always wanted to go on the monkey bars without help and swung and did tricks until her hands were blistered. Now that she's 12, I cheer her for taking herself home from school on the train and for climbing by herself at a gym for hours.

So, yes, some independence is worth honoring. But other strains are not as positive. For instance, being required to be "independent" when we are ill and without adequate health insurance coverage is not to be recommended. Neither is having to take care of our children entirely on our own, in the silo of our immediate family, without a state-supported nursery in sight. And going into debt for simply covering the cost of our own or our children's college education is far from salutary.

But because Americans are taught that we must go it alone, we often force ourselves to slog through these — and other crucial human experiences — in solitude. And when we do get assistance, we may feel we must play down the help we receive from our government, our families or our neighbors.

The "we" here is we Americans, as the notion we must do without support is ingrained in our nation's culture. Our most toxic myth is our "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" individualism. In extreme cases, we see even asking for help as something to avoid at all costs, which can be deadly, as in the rising suicide rates of older men in this country who are some of the least likely to ask for psychological assistance. Or we sometimes still call leaning on our close friends and partners "codependence," even after a pandemic raised depression and anxiety to record levels. We also are regularly told by self-help manuals that we need to look only to ourselves to achieve mental well-being, even though that state inevitably — and biologically — requires social connection… nyt

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