It was a rainy April evening. As I sat out on my porch, I began to reflect on
my life up until now.
I’ll graduate in 1 semester, and I still have no idea
what I want to do with my life. I’m
getting a computer science degree, but I can’t stand programming anymore. Anything that makes me happy seems like
something that I won’t be able to live off of as a career, and I don’t know
what I’m doing with my life. Will I ever truly be
happy with the life that I'm building for myself? Would I be better off dead, instead of having
to pretend I want to be a part of this world?
“You
shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”
As
if I was dreaming, a man I had never seen before was suddenly sitting next to me. Had he been there the whole time, or did he come
over and sit down without me noticing? I
sat up, a little alarmed but more curious than startled.
“Wait,
w-who are you? And why are you on my
porch?” I ask.
Without
missing a beat, the man looks at me and says “It seemed like you needed to
think about life a little differently.
The name’s William James.”
I
thought back to where I’d heard that name before. History, a movie, coding class… oh right!
Philosophy. That can’t be right though…
“…aren’t
you supposed to be dead?”
“I’m
here right now. Do I look dead to you?” he
smiles.
“Fair
enough. What were you wanting to tell me
about earlier?”
James repeats himself. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You’re worrying too much. If you believe that your life is worth living, it will eventually get better" (SS 5)
"I'm not sure it's that simple for me. I know the things that make me happy, but I don't think I can be happy while also being successful."
"How exactly do you view your own happiness?" James asked.
"One of my biggest sources of happiness is entertaining and making people laugh. I see happiness as being able to do what I want with my own time. It feels like I can't live for myself with how society works now. I have to find a job, be successful, pour my energy into working for someone making money off of my efforts for 50 years, and then hopefully I can live long enough to retire for a few years before I die. It seems like there's no time for me to live."
He thought for a moment, then spoke.
"I understand what you're saying. Success is humanity's greatest disease. You have the right idea of not overworking yourself, but I think you need to change your perspective a bit." (SS 21/22)
"You must believe in your own free will." James continued. "You can absolutely live life for yourself, but you can't just think that. You have to take action in order to truly have free will. Follow what you want to do with your life, and your belief and free will can make it true." (SS 48/49)
"I still don't understand." I replied. "I know that I can hypothetically live for myself, but I feel trapped. It feels like if I want to get anywhere with my life, I have to play by the rules of the people around me. It's almost like a loop, where I need my happiness for my financial stability, but I also need initial financial success for the stability to cultivate my happiness."
Suddenly, the man sitting next to me had shifted into an entirely new person.
"Where did Mr. James go?" I asked, baffled by what I had just witnessed.
"I've just taken his place for a bit. My name's Immanuel Kant, and it's very nice to meet you." the new man said.
At this point, I knew something about this wasn't real. It had to all be in my head. Still, being able to work through my questions with someone else was definitely helping me, so I went along with it.
"Action is what gives our lives meaning." (WGU 160) Kant said. "Don't think of whatever you end up doing for work as a waste of your time; use your passion and talents through your work to better the world around you."
The man transformed back into William James "Nobody said you have to do one thing with your life forever. You are the maker of your own destiny."
After some thinking, I began to speak.
"...you're right. It's not that my life is either working while suffering, or following my passions while neglecting my own life stability. It's about combining the two to get the most out of them where I can. My job doesn't confine me to what I can and cannot do, nor do my passions keep me from living a conventional life. I just have to work on things in my life that benefit both."
I started believing that I truly could do anything. I realized that only I could decide how to live my life, and that nobody's expectations of me should hold me back.
"That doesn't mean you won't struggle." James said. "Life has its ups and downs. There were a lot of times where I wanted to give up. I made the choice to keep going" (SS 48-51)
"So, what do you want to do?" he asked.
I thought back to the idea my therapist had told me about after I told her how I wanted to live my life: the renaissance man. The idea of a man who had a vast, diverse knowledge and an array of various skills. A man who lived his life with the desire to understand the world in any way possible, searching the world for knowledge. Someone who wanted to experience the entirety of life.
"Everything." I said.
As the rain died down, William James left me with one last thought.
"As I've said before, 'Life is worth living - maybe'. It all depends on what you make of it. Make sure you live for yourself" (SS 170/171)
Suddenly, a gust of wind came by. William James turned into dust before my very eyes, and he was gone in an instant.
And I was alone again.
Very nice. If I could, though, I'd have one more transfiguration here. I'd bring Einstein into the conversation, so he could challenge this statement: "Make sure you live for yourself." Einstein said only a life lived for others is worthwhile. I say these are not incompatible positions. A good life is communal and public-spirited, but it's also committed to its own delight. And, if you're looking down the pike 50 years, you'll have an opportunity for much personal delight AND for many contributions to the well-being of others. If you're lucky.
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