Raising an Enlightened(ish) Child

 

PRESENTATION SLIDES

Jennifer Dix | MALA 6050 | Summer 2021

What does it mean to be “enlightened” when looking at that term through the lens of a child, and then again as a parent? My 13-year-old daughter says that someone who is enlightened “knows things about the world and science… they just know stuff.” I can get on board with that answer. From my point of view as her mother, I’d expound a bit and use the descriptors “open-minded,” “questioning,” “ inquisitive,” “curious,” “empathetic,” and “creative” to describe an enlightened human, no matter the age.

I like Susan Neiman’s quote about growing up and I relate to this so much when I reflect on my childhood and attempts at becoming a "real adult," whatever that may mean.

"Growing up is a process of sifting through your parents' choices about everything."

We have to decide which of our parent’s beliefs to hold on to as our own and which ones to let go of. In my experience, I think that can be a very hard thing, especially if there are certain religious or moral differences that come up as the child builds their own life away from the influence of their parents. 

Why bother trying to raise enlightened children? Isn’t it hard enough just to get them to their 18th birthday in one semi-well-adjusted piece? Compared to the alternative, raising enlightened kids simply bodes better for the world’s future. If all goes well, enlightened kids will grow up to be enlightened adults and those are the people who will lead the charge in making advances in science, medicine, and technology and continue the world’s progress. Pinker would approve. Besides that, misinformation has a way of spreading quickly throughout our society, and enlightened individuals are the ones who will question and seek to confirm information to avoid spreading chaos and fear, as we’ve seen with COVID, recent elections, climate change, etc.

But what about timing? As a mom who often questions my parenting chops, I wonder if it’s possible to wait too long in the endeavor to raise an enlightened kid? I’d like to think not. I’ve learned to embrace the mindset that, as Earl Nightingale said, “the time will pass anyway.” In that same vein, a quote from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn author Betty Smith comes to mind.

“Whether you like it or not, you'll get to be twenty-five in time no matter what you do. You might as well be getting educated while you're going towards it.”

That mindset eases my doubts, especially when thinking about being a middle-aged college student. I may not graduate until I’m 90, but I’m going to be 90 years old anyway (hopefully), I might as well be a 90-year-old with a degree versus without.

I always knew I wanted to raise my child to be enlightened, even if I didn’t know that’s what I was trying to do. I think every parent wants their kids to have it better than they did growing up, and I’m aware of the advantages that I’m able and willing to give my child that I did not have. See slide 5 for specifics. In my opinion, all of those differences make for better conditions and a "head start" if you will, to raise my kid in an enlightened way.

In the spirit of enlightened parenting, I went to the source and asked my daughter's opinion on some of life’s bigger questions. I gave her four questions on index cards and space and time to write a reply.  Two of her answers in particular reassured me that I'm doing ok. Her response to my question “What do you do if you have a question about something & don’t know the answer?” was to “first ask a parent, then look it up.” I'm just relieved she didn't say "ask Facebook or Fox News." But even more reassuring was her answer to “What do you think about mom going back to school as an adult?” She says, “I think it is fine. I think everyone has a right to learn stuff, even if they are older.” I'm writing this on my mortarboard for graduation, mark my words.

Turning to a couple of well-known philosopher's views on parenting and raising children, I compared John Locke and Jean Jacques Rousseau’s general thoughts on the matter. While both men thought children should be “tough” and not spoiled, they differed in many fundamental areas. Author and professor (and Political Philosopher YouTuber!) Laurie M. Johnson highlights Locke and Rousseau's perspectives most succinctly.

Philosophy aside, here are some tangibles that I attempt as a parent to raise an enlightened child:

• Encouraging questions & admitting when I don’t know the answer—which is often!

• Limiting social media & screen time

• Encourage and model a meditation practice (I gravitate to Tara Brach.)

• Answer questions with as much honesty as possible and that means not shying away from difficult and complex topics like sex, consent, politics, religion, racism, etc.

• Teach her to treat everyone with respect, regardless of sexuality, beliefs, or gender identity

• Apologizing when I do something wrong—being the adult does not always mean being the expert.

Challenges abound, however. Two of my biggest ones are the neverending questions and teaching religious literacy.

I love kids’ brains! But… the questions… so many questions… and bizarre ones, too! I think most kids probably ask “why is the sky blue” and probably “where did the earth come from.” But then there are the existential ones like, “what if the person in the mirror is the real human and we are the reflection?” Yikes. As she asks harder, more insightful questions, I wonder if I’m saying the right things. But I also know that if I can continue to encourage her to ask them and to seek out the answers, that we’ll be fine.

Religious literacy can be more difficult in my opinion. It’s challenging to answer a kid’s questions about God and religion when you yourself aren’t even sure about some of those things. But I want her to feel like she can explore those topics and search for what feels right to her in a way that I was not comfortable doing. I'm finding a couple of books by Dale McGowan and others to be helpful and relatable to where I find myself as a parent. Slide 10. I wish I’d read them years ago.

I leave you with some questions to think about.

• If you have kids or plan to, do you/will you raise them with enlightenment in mind?

• What specific actions by parents can encourage kids to be enlightened?

• What do you anticipate or have you experienced as the greatest challenges to raising enlightened kids these days?

• Rousseau vs. Locke: Who’s parenting style resonates most for you?

May we all raise kids who want to "just know stuff."