What Is Loneliness? 
Kieran Setiya, Author and Professor at M.I.T
Loneliness is often termed as the effects of being isolated or lacking personal connection. However someone may be alone and yet not feel lonely, while someone else might be surrounded by friends yet still feel lonely. In chapter two of Life is Hard, Kieran Setiya gives a more in depth view on page 41 stating, "The pain of social disconnection, loneliness, is not to be confused with being alone. One can be by oneself, in quiet solitude, without feeling lonely; and one can be lonely in a crowd." Setiya gives further distinction on page 41 distinguishing between situational loneliness and chronic loneliness. At some point most people will inevitably face situational loneliness whether it be the loss of friendship or relocating to a new place with new people. Chronic loneliness, which Setiya stated on page 41 as lasting for months to years, is something the majority people did not anticipate enduring. That was the common belief until the pandemic which quite literally altered everyone's life. Loneliness and The Pandemic Prior to the pandemic Setiya claims on page 42 that loneliness had become such a concern the U.K. had decided to appoint the first "Minister of Loneliness" in 2018, Tracey Crouch. Even so loneliness is something that's hard to quantify and even more difficult to study on a large scale basis. On pages 42-43 Setiya explains how a survey was conducted to try and determine the amount of people who had someone to talk to regarding "important issues". The original survey was conducted in 1985, then repeated again in 2004. The 2004 survey showed that Americans were three times more likely to have no one to talk to regarding these matters. Eventually suspicions arose and sociologist Claude Fischer determined the order of the questions had been altered in a way that would shift responses towards the more lonely response. When the questions were returned to their original order and the survey was readministered in 2010, the results showed that more people felt they had someone to talk to than they did in 1985. These results only complicated things further. People wanted to know, are we lonelier now than we were previously? Answers were unsure and hard to come by until March 2020. As Setiya puts it on page 42, "The virus was spreading and loneliness was epidemic, too." Some became well adjusted and relied on the interactions with those they lived with, such as Setiya. Others became completely isolated living alone and starting to feel a sense of chronic loneliness. On page 44 Setiya, quoting David Hume, writes, "A perfect solitude is, perhaps, the greatest punishment we can suffer." If untreated this complete isolation and sense of chronic loneliness can have detrimental effects on ones health.
The Effects of Chronic Loneliness While most people are well versed on the emotional toll of loneliness, many are unaware just how impactful chronic loneliness can be on ones physical health. The CDC lists the following as side effects of loneliness. - Heart disease and stroke.
- Type 2 diabetes.
- Depression and anxiety.
- Addiction.
- Suicidality and self-harm.
- Dementia.
- Earlier death.
The CDC also notes that loneliness increases your risk for dementia by 50%. Setiya along with many philosophers believe these side effects can, in some cases, however be avoided or reversed through meaningful connections and friendships.
The Importance of Friendship While allocating for the importance of social interaction, Setiya explains on page 51, "We are social animals with social needs; and when those needs are frustrated, we suffer." While this seems straight forward enough, it doesn't take into account those who are already isolated or lonely. On page 59 Setiya verbalizes the difficulty pronouncing, "It's hard to escape from loneliness without getting help from others, which makes being lonely a catch-22." While it is difficult to encapsulate a one size fits all solution to loneliness, the fact remains that most people are better of when surrounded by meaningful relationships.
What is Grief? Grief is typically defined as a deep sense of despair that usually coincides with loss. On page 66 Setiya elaborates on this, explaining, "Grief is not a simple emotion. People in grief feel sorrow, yes-but also anger, guilt, fear, and moments of lightness as well as depth." There is a long held belief that grief is "predictable" and comes in stages. Those stages being: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However on page 68 George A. Bonanno equates grief to coming in waves and instead explains that, "Bereavement is essentially a stress reaction." So now it's established that grief is stil difficult grasp. How is one supposed to deal with such a complex emotion?
Methods of Grief Some might attempt to take the stoic approach and view grief as something harmful, something to avoid. Setiya dissuades from that on page 71 stating, "The Stoic attitude may dull our pain, but it does so by distancing us from things that really matter." If we spend all of our energy trying to avoid grief, we inadvertently avoid the subject of the grief. If the subject of the grief is the loss of a loved one, why would we want to avoid the subject. While it will inevitably take time to process and heal, we should try and embrace their memory even when it's difficult. Most of us wouldn't want to suppress their memory totally to try and avoid any difficult emotions that may come along. On page 81 Setiya echoes this claiming, "If we did not grieve, we would not love." This raises a question however, how long should we grieve?
How Long to Grieve When you add in the complex emotions and personal differences, many people are unsure how they will or should grieve. On pages 81 and 82 Setiya explains that research shows the majority of people are more "emotionally resilient" than they thought and typically pass through the grieving process sooner than they expected. While many would be relieved to hear that it does get better and probably sooner than you thought, Setiya doesn't fully see it this way. On page 82 he writes, "In another way, it's disturbing. Does our resilience mean that we no longer value the life of the one we've lost or that we never really did?" While on one hand I can see the argument that if we were to quickly get over the loss of someone then perhaps we didn't care as much as we thought. However I'm much more inclined to believe our sense of resilience isn't a sign that we lacked empathy or love for that person, but simply our brains objective to take care of our own well being so we don't end up spiraling. I wouldn't want to questions someones love for another person they had lost based off of my perception on whether or not they had grieved long enough, that seems wrong. While we now know there are no exact seps in the grieving process, I believe there is no exact time frame either. For some it might take longer than others, but the only certain is that approaching the grieving process from a place of love and honoring ones memory can make the daunting process have a sense of meaning as opposed to simply unavoidable pain.
Loneliness and Grief Articles
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| Kieran Setiya, Author and Professor at M.I.T |
Loneliness is often termed as the effects of being isolated or lacking personal connection. However someone may be alone and yet not feel lonely, while someone else might be surrounded by friends yet still feel lonely. In chapter two of Life is Hard, Kieran Setiya gives a more in depth view on page 41 stating, "The pain of social disconnection, loneliness, is not to be confused with being alone. One can be by oneself, in quiet solitude, without feeling lonely; and one can be lonely in a crowd." Setiya gives further distinction on page 41 distinguishing between situational loneliness and chronic loneliness. At some point most people will inevitably face situational loneliness whether it be the loss of friendship or relocating to a new place with new people. Chronic loneliness, which Setiya stated on page 41 as lasting for months to years, is something the majority people did not anticipate enduring. That was the common belief until the pandemic which quite literally altered everyone's life.
- Heart disease and stroke.
- Type 2 diabetes.
- Depression and anxiety.
- Addiction.
- Suicidality and self-harm.
- Dementia.
- Earlier death.
The CDC also notes that loneliness increases your risk for dementia by 50%. Setiya along with many philosophers believe these side effects can, in some cases, however be avoided or reversed through meaningful connections and friendships.
The Importance of Friendship
While allocating for the importance of social interaction, Setiya explains on page 51, "We are social animals with social needs; and when those needs are frustrated, we suffer." While this seems straight forward enough, it doesn't take into account those who are already isolated or lonely. On page 59 Setiya verbalizes the difficulty pronouncing, "It's hard to escape from loneliness without getting help from others, which makes being lonely a catch-22." While it is difficult to encapsulate a one size fits all solution to loneliness, the fact remains that most people are better of when surrounded by meaningful relationships.
What is Grief?
Grief is typically defined as a deep sense of despair that usually coincides with loss. On page 66 Setiya elaborates on this, explaining, "Grief is not a simple emotion. People in grief feel sorrow, yes-but also anger, guilt, fear, and moments of lightness as well as depth." There is a long held belief that grief is "predictable" and comes in stages. Those stages being: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However on page 68 George A. Bonanno equates grief to coming in waves and instead explains that, "Bereavement is essentially a stress reaction." So now it's established that grief is stil difficult grasp. How is one supposed to deal with such a complex emotion?
Methods of Grief
Some might attempt to take the stoic approach and view grief as something harmful, something to avoid. Setiya dissuades from that on page 71 stating, "The Stoic attitude may dull our pain, but it does so by distancing us from things that really matter." If we spend all of our energy trying to avoid grief, we inadvertently avoid the subject of the grief. If the subject of the grief is the loss of a loved one, why would we want to avoid the subject. While it will inevitably take time to process and heal, we should try and embrace their memory even when it's difficult. Most of us wouldn't want to suppress their memory totally to try and avoid any difficult emotions that may come along. On page 81 Setiya echoes this claiming, "If we did not grieve, we would not love." This raises a question however, how long should we grieve?
How Long to Grieve
When you add in the complex emotions and personal differences, many people are unsure how they will or should grieve. On pages 81 and 82 Setiya explains that research shows the majority of people are more "emotionally resilient" than they thought and typically pass through the grieving process sooner than they expected. While many would be relieved to hear that it does get better and probably sooner than you thought, Setiya doesn't fully see it this way. On page 82 he writes, "In another way, it's disturbing. Does our resilience mean that we no longer value the life of the one we've lost or that we never really did?" While on one hand I can see the argument that if we were to quickly get over the loss of someone then perhaps we didn't care as much as we thought. However I'm much more inclined to believe our sense of resilience isn't a sign that we lacked empathy or love for that person, but simply our brains objective to take care of our own well being so we don't end up spiraling. I wouldn't want to questions someones love for another person they had lost based off of my perception on whether or not they had grieved long enough, that seems wrong. While we now know there are no exact seps in the grieving process, I believe there is no exact time frame either. For some it might take longer than others, but the only certain is that approaching the grieving process from a place of love and honoring ones memory can make the daunting process have a sense of meaning as opposed to simply unavoidable pain.
Loneliness and Grief Articles
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