Alone but not lonely

Kevin Rodriguez

Sec 7     

 

    At some point in our lives, we all have felt lonely. But what some people may not know is that being lonely can be particularly acute in midlife. Philosophers argue that it’s because loneliness is a fundamental part of being a human. Before we begin, we must differentiate loneliness from being alone. For example, someone enjoying quiet solitude is alone but not necessarily lonely while someone else can feel lonely even if they are in a crowd.  

 

 

     Loneliness is a complex emotion that can be described as feeling isolated, disconnected or as a feeling of emptiness. Kieran Setiya's book Life is Hard dedicates a chapter on this topic. He discusses the etymology and concepts of loneliness and closes the chapter by providing practical suggestions on coping with it. In this post I will discussing key points provided by Setiya alongside some of my thoughts and things I found to be interesting while in this class.

Loneliness across the ages 

 

    Setiya argues that loneliness is a universal experience. Aristotle in The Nicomachean Ethics says, “Without friends, no one would want to live”. Here he essentially states that friends are central to having a good life. He does not directly mention being lonely or of loneliness, but the idea of not being lonely can be seen in his work. In English the earliest mention is circa 1800. The word “Oneliness” was used to describe the state of being alone or of solitude. Another example can be seen in Bedroom in Arles by Vincent van Gogh in 1888. In letters to his brother Theo, Vincent describes the room he lived in for a year, sharing his feelings of loneliness and isolation.

 

 Van Gogh, Picasso, Hopper and Guglielmi in five famous paintings expressing loneliness, isolation

 

Life is Hard: The vicious cycle of loneliness   

 

    Turning back to Life is Hard, Setiya argues that loneliness is not a simple subjective feeling but rather that it is much more being a fundamental aspect of the human condition. It is because humans are social animals and because society is central to our life’s that we feel lonely. German philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel said “you cannot be fully conscious of ourselves except through mutual recognition. There is no I without YOU”. Setiya notes that the root cause of our loneliness is because we are aware of others and of our mortality. He states that we begin to feel lonely when we lack meaningful connections with others or when we begin to feel disconnected from the world. Being separated from others can be a difficult emotion to deal and chronic loneliness can cause serious damage to your health.

 

According to a New York Times article, neuroscientists think that during periods of isolation the human brain begins to register loneliness as a threat because it has evolved to seek safety in number. Psychologist john Cacioppo says that this stress response can have health impacts comparable to the effect of high blood pressure, lack of exercise, obesity or smoking, and can accelerate the aging process. Constant feelings of loneliness can cause a person to also feel depressed. Depression in turn can increase feelings of loneliness. The cycle worsens as the depressive disorder continues.

 

    Setiya also argues that feeling lonely can be intensified by our fast-paced life. He says that social media and other forms of technology can create an illusion of connection that fails to fulfill the human connection that we need. Essentially, he says that social media is not so social.

 

 Same social beings, different social needs

 

     Humans are complex beings and although, we are social animals that doesn't mean that we all share the same social needs. Victor Hugo said "The entirety of hell is contained in one word- solitude". I myself have to agree with "hell is other people" said by a character written by Sartre. No matter if you consider yourself an extrovert or an introvert we can all agree that friends are good. Philosophers like Aristotle acknowledges the benefits of having a wide variety of friends. you can have friends of utility, pleasure, virtue or familial needs. He compares friendship to a silent negotiation that which once the contract is broken they should drop you from their lives and stop loving you. Aristotle thought that friends should be flaky. I do not agree with him on the idea of friends but I do agree on the variety of friends. Life is hard describes a situation where in the case of a hospitalization you hope that friends would come visit because they care about you and your well-being not because they are worried if they didn't go to the hospital it would ruin the friendship.

Managing loneliness

    Setiya offers the best way to cope is loneliness is by engaging in meaningful activities. Activities such as discovering a hobby, or by volunteering can help you reconnect with the world. For others exploring spiritual or philosophical practice can aid in times of difficulty. Setiya stresses the importance of seeking profession help if necessary.  This could be talking with a therapist, joining a support group, or having a friend or family member that you trust. It is also important to remember that loneliness is a very difficult emotion and be hard to manage alone. Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness but of bravery and an important first step towards healing. Greater Good Science Center at university of California, Berkeley prides itself for providing science-based insights for a meaningful life. Applying scientific research, they offer 11 things to do when you feel lonely

 

Afterthoughts

 

    While doing some reading about loneliness I found this article from the NYT about parallel play. Its a term generally associated with young children who can play independently alongside one another. One example of this in my daily life is when I play video games. I may be immersed into my game but knowing that my partner is on the bed reading a book silently is more than enough company and fills my social needs. I don't find myself often craving social interaction. My friends and previous roommates have referred to me as having "cat energy". I hang out in the general vicinity but will keep to myself until I want attention. But also like a cat too much attention and I am likely to scratch. Metaphorically at least. Lastly I will link to a recent episode of a podcast I enjoy called The psychology of your 20s with Jemma Sbeg.

84. Loneliness is not your enemy!

Alternate resources

Social isolation and loneliness outreach toolkit from NIH

https://www.nia.nih.gov/ctctoolkit