LH 3-Grief by Mackenzie Sells #6

 Final Blog Post LH 3 - Grief

Mackenzie Sells #6

The topic of grief usually rattles some people. Or, maybe not at all. Grief is one of those “things” people are scared of and are scared of what it will do to them. In chapter three of Life Is Hard, grief is analyzed by Kieran Setiya. The “cool” thing, if you will, about grief is that everyone has their own way of handling it, whether they are fully aware of it or not. My coping mechanisms are not going to be the same as yours, or his, or hers- but that is because there is no handbook for grief. 

I do not necessarily like the way I handle grief, but it has become a subconscious coping mechanism whether I prefer it or not. I use humor to cope with unexpected or disappointing trials. I am not sure at what age or what occurrence developed this, but what I do know is that I will make myself or the others around me laugh before sadness hits. No one enjoys being sad, but typically it is obvious that feeling is difficult to manage, so we bring light to that situation instead. Or, we do not want to admit that we are entering a state of grief, because we just don’t want to go through it. Humor has been a comfort blanket for me, and that is what gets me through trials and tribulations, even though it may not always be the healthiest solution.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-grief/201611/the-healing-power-laughter-in-death-and-grief

In this chapter of Life Is Hard this coping mechanism, and others, of grief are discussed. I do not know that they are necessarily healthy for us, but I think part of being human is feeling things how you want to. Or, not. That is the funny thing about grief- you do not know what that process will look like for you or how you manage it until you’re going through it. 

An opinion held by many is that grief has a solution or a fix. Philosopher Epictetus believed in tackling grief and diminishing it, as if it is a game of hot potato, and you can just toss grief away from your life. Losing someone takes an immense toll on your life and health, and it is not always expected, hence the process of grieving. Although it is unexpected and can seem to happen at the worst times, we all know that death is part of this life we live. I actually don’t like thinking of death and can be scared of it, which makes sense why I cope the way I do. When things get scary, I go the opposite way. With all this being said, Epictetus thought that grief was unnecessary if we all know we can’t live forever, what were we expecting? 

I hear what Epictetus is saying, and while it might be backed with some knowledge, I think he is looking at the wrong factor that sparks grief. More times than others, grief is not just because someone close to us is gone- it can be how they died, when they died, where they died, etc. Essentially, Epictetus and stoic philosophy frowns upon trying to control things in our lives that are inevitable.

https://youtu.be/yah-abKb96g

I have a difficult time deciding my take on stoic philosophy and grief. Personally, I try to live my life by the fact that most things are just out of my control. This is comforting for my anxiety, as if I do not trust and live by that, I will try to control and over analyze everything that occurs in my life. I am not saying that just “letting it happen” has been the cure to my anxiety or grief, but it definitely helps me take in grief from a different perspective. I am also a Christian, so learning to fully put my trust in God’s plan for me and the ones around me is another comfort for myself. Again, my faith in God is not always perfect, either, and I do grieve. 

The biggest experience of grief in my life has been the passing of my Grandmother this past October. She passed from Alzheimer’s, and it was not unexpected, but still just as difficult. Of course, I knew I would experience a grieving process, but I did not as I expected. I feel like I personally did not start grieving until Christmas came around, and I saw how deeply my Grandfather was grieving. It was almost as if his grief started mine, but I would take that grief from him anyday. But, I truly did catch myself thinking once, what did I expect? My Grandmother was devastatingly ill, and there was no cure. I realized, though, nothing can ever prepare you for death, even if you know it is coming, but can’t fully process it yet. 

Kieran Setiya’s take is that grief should be felt, and we shouldn’t suppress any feelings just because something was bound to happen in the game of life. I agree with his point as well, because deep things in life like these are hard. Really hard. Which is why I don't think there is an “answer” or “solution" for grief. 

A question that came to mind after this chapter is: is grief inevitable? I think, no matter how to “manage” it, it is there. I do believe that denying it or not acknowledging it can only strengthen its effect on you. But, I do not think that means that there is an answer or cure for grief. I believe that is the most complicated thing about life, it is for YOU to handle on your own.