Loneliness Amongst Billions - Final Blog Post

Loneliness Amongst Billions 

Talan Lynch (H03) 

 

“For the moment, it’s mostly just an empty feeling, one that I’m sure will start to ache as I come to realize how lonely I am... I’m scared but also relieved that things are moving so quickly. And also relieved that this will keep my mind off the separation I’d just experienced.” 

• Marco in Adastra by Howly (Echo Project) 

 

I believe that what makes literature enjoyable is its relatability to the reader. Of course, this doesn’t mean that a piece of literature has to reflect the reader’s life even slightly in order to be engaging, but when I think of the books that have really stuck with me – Frankenstein, The Poisonwood Bible, Echo – there’s always something within them, some theme, character, or conflict, that I can apply to myself. When I finished reading Adastra, I wasn’t really sure where to go with it. I’m not going to spoil anything for those of you who may actually want to give it a try, but the conclusion of Adastra, after the twelve or so hours of reading beforehand, is no easy thing to digest. For a good two weeks after finishing the novel, it was all I could think about. I didn’t want to read anything else or consume any other form of media for that matter. I was somewhat shellshocked after finishing it. In doing some “research,” I found that others who read the novel experienced a similar emotion, a profound sadness and longing following the game’s end. This “condition” actually earned a “diagnosis” amongst the community of fans: post-adastra depression.  

Of course, this all sounds very dramatic and borderline parasocial, and frankly, it is. However, I believe there’s a reason behind this phenomenon that is actually somewhat common among people on the internet. Adastra is a dating sim, which I am aware makes me sound pathetic for enjoying it so much, and I will not argue that claim. It's also a gay romance, so naturally, this novel is going to draw in an audience of chronically online queer men desperate to fill the void in their hearts with gratuitous homosexual mush. And I was one among them. I feel the reason why this novel drew in so many of this demographic and left them with such a profound aftereffect is due to the loneliness that is so common and potent among them. Speaking from experience, living as a gay man is isolating. It’s easy to feel alienated and misunderstood even in places where you are accepted. Additionally, with many barriers to gay dating such as low dispersal of potential partners and prejudice and exclusivity within the community, finding a stable romantic partner is extremely difficult for many gay men. This isolation is part of the reason why depression and suicide rates for gay men are so high. Adastra offers an escape from that reality. Through it, gay men who feel lonely or unloved can partake in fantasy wish fulfillment. Even if it’s not real, it feels good to imagine another world where someone kind, attractive, and just your type wants you. 

All this is to say that the internet and online media has become an alternative therapeutic for loneliness. Naturally, this doesn’t apply to everyone, but in a few sad cases, extreme loneliness has led internet users to devote their lives to online media that is by and large removed from reality. Take, for example, some more extreme cases of fans of fictional characters going too far with their romantic infatuation with them. Tobyn Jacobs, a young artist living in San Diego, obsessively creates cardboard cut-outs with images of various personalities ranging from anime characters to internet celebrities printed on them. These cut-outs vary in size, being as small as palm-sized to as large as twenty-five feet tall. Jacobs first garnered internet attention from his obsession with Sayaka Maizono, a character from the popular video game Danganronpa. Tobyn went as far as to decorate an entire room with images of the character and create scores of life-sized cardboard cut-outs resembling her. Akihiko Kondo is a forty-one-year-old Japanese man acclaimed online for his unofficial “marriage” with fictional Vocaloid character Hatsune Miku. Kondo went on to commission a life-sized doll of the character with which he does things like eating dinner, reading, going on movie dates, and even travelling across the country. In June of 2023, Kondo would found the General Incorporated Association of Fictosexuality, an online association of individuals who identify as “fictosexual,” meaning they feel intense attraction towards fictional characters.  

So, what’s going on? Seriously, why are people doing this? I believe it’s because these people feel they have nothing else to turn to. They likely have felt isolated from their own communities to the point where they seek a surrogate for their affection. Kieran Setiya touches on this in his book, Life Is Hard: How Philosophy Can Help Us Find Our Way, stating, “What makes loneliness bad for us, then, is not that solitude subverts our self-awareness. It’s bad for us because we are social animals for whom society is not a given. The harm of loneliness springs from human nature, not the abstract nature of the self” (pg. 33). Here, Setiya is discussing the social nature of man. Humans depend on community and connection with other humans. Without it, we are vulnerable to social maladaptation and mental unwellness such as depression and anxiety. In his book, Setiya brings up John Bowlby’s psychological theory of attachment based on Harry Harlow’s experiments on baby Resus monkeys (LH pg. 33). Essentially, Harlow’s research involved baby resus monkeys and two types of surrogate mothers, meaning fake mother figures made of the experiment. One group of surrogates was made of wires and would feed the monkeys while the other was simply wrapped in cloth. What Harlow found was that the monkeys preferred to spend time with the surrogate wrapped in cloth over the feeder. It was also observed that monkeys deprived of physical contact developed awkward and aggressive behaviors when rejoined with other monkeys. Bowlby interpreted Harlow’s findings to mean that a child’s development is dependent on the responsiveness of its mother at an early age. I feel as though there is a parallel between Harlow and Bowlby’s findings and the phenomenon of lonely people seeking fulfillment on the internet. Something in their life, be it a parental figure, solid group friends, or a community of confidants, was absent, so they have developed abnormal social patterns and now seek fulfillment in fantasy. 

Many may claim that, since there are so many people on the internet to interact and build bonds with, no one who uses it should be lonely. On the surface, that makes enough sense. There are scores of online chat rooms dedicated to online communication, and most online video games provide text or audio communication for players. However, research has shown that, in many cases, internet use can increase loneliness. Setiya highlights that, “The pain of social disconnection, loneliness, is not to be confused with being alone. One can be by oneself, in quiet solitude, without feeling lonely; and one can be lonely in a crowd” (LH pg. 28). Despite the presence of billions, internet users can still feel lonely, and I believe that even though relationships can be formed on the internet, that doesn’t mean that they will decrease loneliness. There is likely a disparity between the connection people have in physical relationships versus virtual ones. Epicurus believed that that the best way to live was to be kind, pursue happiness, and surround yourself with friends, but his Garden was not empty and hooked up to the internet (LHP pg. 23). The unfortunate truth is like what Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel said, we can’t be fully confident in ourselves and our existence without acknowledgement and validation from others. Like there is no light without dark or good without evil, without the otherness that is “you” there is no “I” (LH pg. 32). 

It’s also quite common for people to equate loneliness with self-sufficiency. The “lone wolf” archetype is widely idealized. People look to figures in popular media such as Batman and see a dark, brooding badass who doesn’t need help from anyone else. Something in those people, be it ignorance or insecurity, tells them that role is what they should strive for. The idea of “possessive individualism” that defines people as “social atoms accumulating private goods,” is rampant in capitalist nations that reduce the value of a person to their wealth and merit (LH pg. 29). Unfortunately, this ideology ignores the strife that comes with taking on that persona. Batman pursues vigilante justice as a means of coping with the murder of his parents and the helplessness and isolation he felt growing up, but he never really moves on from that trauma. He can’t free himself from that isolation because he continues to isolate himself further. Novelist Victor Hugo identified solitude as the “entirety of Hell” (LH pg. 35). This claim is evidenced by the high correlation between loneliness and suicide. Loneliness and suicidal ideation go hand in hand, as loneliness can bring about suicidal ideation, and depression and suicidal ideation can encourage loneliness. People struggling with suicidal ideation often feel shunned by the world. For them, it’s like no one cares what they are going through, and even if they were to reach out for help, they would only burden those around them. During the COVID-19 pandemic, a time where the majority of the world felt isolated, there was an upward trend of suicidal ideation and attempts.  

Then, if loneliness is so bad, how can we avoid it? I think this question is somewhat unfortunate because there’s really no guaranteed way to prevent yourself from feeling lonely. Everyone is different, and I think that we all have felt isolated or misunderstood by the rest of the world to some extent. But the best way, in my opinion, to dampen the effects of loneliness is to form authentic bonds with others. This answer is totally on the nose, but I truly think it’s the best way. What I mean by “authentic bond” is one that does not hinge upon an exchange. Aristotle’s idea of friendship – known as “philia” – included these types of relationships under its umbrella. And while Aristotle is regarded as a “great theorist of friendship,” comradery should not follow the “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” mantra (LH pg. 36). Instead, the relationship should be unconditional, formed purely from mutual interest. Don’t love someone for what they give you but love them for who they are. Bonds formed in that way are far stronger than anything contractual. I feel this happens often in internet relationships. One party is only interested in in the other for what they can provide, be it a gaming partner, validation of opinion, or all-out worship. Nicholas Perry, known as Nikocado Avocado online, built his internet career around a type of content called “mukbang.” Mukbang is simply videos or audio records of people eating various foods. Often, the “mukbanger” will “talk” to their audience as they eat. This type of content grew in popularity during the pandemic, as many people found it comforting to have someone to “eat with” even if it was just a recording. However, Perry took his content to a different level. He earned a massive following for his rather extreme mukbang videos in which we would consume massive amounts of unhealthy food. Perry also developed a character under the Nikocado Avocado title, a man-child known for his petulant tantrums, inflated ego, and appalling hygiene. Perry received a massive amount of attention, both positive and negative, from this display, but all press was good press for him, as he made tons of money off of it. Despite what it was doing to his body, his status as a celebrity was enough to motivate him to keep it up. Perry would later come out to say that the whole thing was a “social experiment,” showing off his weight loss as some sort of evidence that he was above it all. But personally, I think part of him did enjoy the attention he got. He was likely a very lonely, unfulfilled person who sought out a relationship in the wrong way. That contractual relationship he built with his fans continued to amplify, with the audience demanding more extreme content and Perry needing more followers to feed his ego. For the love of God, don’t do friendship like this. Kant used the word “dignity” to describe the unconditional value of a human life. It’s important to respect the dignity of others as well as your own when seeking relationships. 

Unfortunately for many, it’s hard to form close relationships. Setiya describes loneliness as a catch-22, a term used to describe a paradoxical or inescapable situation that alludes to Joseph Hellen’s novel of the same name (LH pg. 41). What Setiya means in saying this is that loneliness perpetuates itself. The longer we stay in isolation, the more uncomfortable we are in social situations. But, to free ourselves from isolation, we must be social. But, this logic operates under the assumption that close bonds happen right away when this, most of the time, is far from true. To build a close relationship, you have to get over the hurdle of saying “hi” for the first time, and that takes practice. Co-founder of the field of social neuroscience John Cacioppo urges people to “start small... reaching out in simple exchanges at the grocery store or at the library... Just saying ‘Isn’t it a beautiful day?’ or ‘I loved that book’ can bring a friendly response” (LH pg. 41-42). In doing this, we ground ourselves in reality. Even if it doesn’t result in the closest of friendships, practicing this helps us become more social, and elicting responses from others reminds us that we are present and living in a community of people. That kind of validation is both reassuring and humbling. It lets us know that we are perceptible, and we do have a part in this world, but we aren’t the center of it, and we shouldn’t treat ourselves like reaching out and being social will kill the planet.  

I want to circle back and say that I don’t have any issue with using the internet and online media to cope with loneliness. I do it, like, all the time. But, like all things, it must be done in moderation. There are bigger things out there for us. And even though the internet may sometimes feel like it’s our whole world, it’s really not. I think we’d be better off if we got better at just approaching someone and saying “hi” every once in a while. Maybe then, the world we live in wouldn’t feel so foreign and scary, and we would be just a little less lonely. 

 

Discussion questions: 

What are your surrogates for loneliness? 

Is loneliness always harmful? 

How do you pursue authentic connection and defend yourself from loneliness?