My grandfather died on October 11th, 2024 while I was waiting in the Nashville airport on a delayed flight to go home for Fall Break. He had open heart surgery to correct a leaking heart valve on Thursday, October 10th and I was planning on visiting him in the hospital over the Fall Break weekend. I am saddened I didn’t get to visit with him again before he passed away because we had a special relationship. He was my camping and fishing buddy for many years and we shared a mutual interest in automobiles, trucks, and boats. My grandfather’s death is shocking because it was so unexpected. Not only is there a palpable emptiness felt at my grandmother’s dining room table, but it is also bewildering to see his beloved recliner remain unoccupied. My grandfather had an endearing quality about him that produced lots of laughs that I will sorely miss.
What is grief? I have learned that grief is extremely personal and very complicated, but also universal because we have or will eventually experience a profound loss. It is okay to feel sad or lost, but in time we can find our way again and hopefully it will be easier than we think. Grief is a reaction to a profound loss of someone or something. Although grief is different for everyone, grief affects us both physically and mentally. Grief is a personal journey and there are no certain steps or rules to be followed when mourning. “The good news is that for most of us, grief is not overwhelming or unending. As frightening as the pain of loss can be, most of us are resilient,” states George Bonnano in his book, The Other Side of Sadness (Setiya 82).
In his book Life Is Hard, philosopher Kieran Setiya explains that grief is not just a simple emotion. Grief can look like sorrow, anger, guilt, or fear, but grief also provides moments of lightness as well as depth or clarity. While grieving, I may also experience anxiety or exhaustion. According to Setiya, grief is unstable and difficult to discuss, but he explains there are at least three kinds of grief: “relational grief” - describing this type of grief as a broken relationship, grief at the harm that happens when someone dies, and at the complete loss of life (66).
Setiya cautions these three types of grief may interact or coincide, but they are not the same because each type of grief hurts in different ways and each says something different about love. Unlike me, Setiya admits he is reluctant to share his thoughts about grieving because he has not had intense experiences with grief even though he has experienced the loss of distant grandparents. In fact, his closest experience with grief is watching his mother suffer from Alzheimer’s. In an effort to further explore the topic, Setiya studied social sciences to better understand the mourning process.
In 1969, psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined a five stage model in her book On Death and Dying. The five steps are neatly broken down into rational emotions one may experience when grappling with grief. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these feelings are most often associated with grieving, Kubler-Ross actually attributed these emotions to patients who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Her initial study included interviewing over 200 ill patients who were coming to terms with various terminal illness diagnoses. Interestingly, these five stages were not meant to be applied to those who are suffering loss from the death of a loved one. Current research by George Bonanno reveals grief does not come in predictable stages, but in unexpected waves. Bonanno suggests bereavement is a stress reaction and it is not uniform or static. He also points out that relentless grief would be overwhelming. Grief is rather tolerable because it comes and goes (68).
Other studies on grief debunk the common belief that “you have to talk about it” may actually be ineffective. Studies show being forced to “debrief” or discuss traumatic events in their immediate aftermath may create negative physical and mental impacts that can last for years. Discussing unpleasant events prevents our emotional immune system from suppressing painful memories (68). Personally, I believe talking about my grandfather keeps his memory alive.
While researching other topics about grief, Setiya found most documents on grief are broken or inconsistent including British experimental novelist B.S. Johnson, who published his book about grief four years before his death. In his book The Unfortunates (and for the record, there was not a copy available on Amazon, but I did find one on eBay with shipping that was $250), Johnson created a book in a box that included 27 booklets to be read in random order with the exception of the “First” and “Last” booklets. As the story unfolds, the reader learns that the narrator is a sports journalist traveling to a city to cover a soccer match who reflects on various memories of a close friend who has died of cancer. The point Johnson makes with his book in a box is that grief has no narrative order and closure is vaguely temporary because grief can be opened and reshuffled repeatedly (Setiya 69). Indeed, grief is elaborately complex and extremely personal.
Of course, Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus felt that if we could inhabit the truth, then grief could be outsmarted. Stoics have great control over their emotions and calmly respond to life’s disappointments. By focusing on what we can change, we can remove ourselves from everything else. While this may dull our pain, we further distance ourselves from that which truly matters. Satiya reveals, “grief brings pain, the pain is part of living well” and it is impossible to separate that type of pain from love. Our goal should be to grieve well, not necessarily kill grief (72).
Nevertheless, grief produces a fear of abandonment. The relationship has concluded and there is an intense withdrawal of love. When life changes quickly, grief can be seen as self-indulgent or self pity (73-74). Self indulgence, often characterized as negative behaviors that provide some sort of instant gratification, and self-pity often resulting in a type of “why me” thinking are not exactly self-centered behaviors because “grief is not a weakness, but a token of persisting love” (74). Years ago, I read Gary Paulsen’s Hatchet and one prominent memory I have from that book was that Brian, the main character, distinctly rejected self-pity because at the end of the pity party, there was important work that still needed to be done. I am aware this idea has resonated with me since elementary school.
More importantly, grieving well requires working through the changes that the relationship has undergone. Sometimes relationships are completed (meaning they end for whatever reason) and other times, they are archived (meaning death has occurred). While death might end the physical relationship, the emotional relationship continues because the person existed so grief prompts change by placing “demands on us we are compelled to meet, requirements of reverence and respect” (75). Navigating grief allows us to keep the relationship going, but on different and newer terms. Doing this may cause pain, but it may also offer feelings of comfort in memories of the loved one (77). Ironically, when maintaining a relationship with the dead, there is a risk of not engaging with life (75). We are never wrong to grieve and if we do not grieve, then we would not love.
It is interesting to note that grief is not just one emotion, but a combination of many emotions. Representing a loss, grief may last for as long as we are still living, but thankfully, with the passage of time, grieving should become easier. We are emotionally resilient and according to psychologist and author George Bonanno, “Most bereaved people get better on their own, without any kind of professional help” (82). With the passing of time, grief changes not necessarily because of the reason it exists, but because grief is an emotional process where acceptance and transformation are an integral part of the grieving experience.
Processing grief can be public or private and mourning rituals differ around the world. For example, Tibetan Buddhists practice a ritual known as sky burials, but strangely this ritual does not involve burying the body of the deceased. The body is actually placed in a special spot and birds come to devour the remains. Not only does this ritual provide a sustainable way of body disposal, but it also symbolizes a full-circle moment as the body now provides sustenance to other living creatures.
Other examples of mourning rituals include Dia De Los Muertos, prominent in Mexico as well as other parts of Central America, which honors those who have died, but also serves as a reminder of one’s own mortality. Even in New Orleans, some families participate in jazz funerals where public mourning is combined with lively music as mourners escort the body to the cemetery. As in the case of my grandfather, my family had a family lunch at noon on the day of his funeral because my grandfather enjoyed eating lunch at noon. While there are many other death rituals, each one provides an opportunity to receive social support from other family members and friends because “resilience in grief correlates with social support” (84). While rituals and traditions help when grieving, there is no permanent solution to grief (89). The fact remains that the loss of a loved one is one of life’s most stressful events and grieving is an individual process.
Things have changed - it might be hard to concentrate, there may be feelings of confusion, and it may be impossibly hard to make decisions. I might behave differently - I could lose interests in stuff my grandfather and I did together such as camping and fishing. I might get angry with others for no apparent reason. I might want to spend time alone. I might lose my appetite and may have trouble sleeping. When grieving, it is completely normal to have these thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and bodily sensations. It is natural to grieve and there is no right or wrong way to do it.
While grief is a reminder that life has ended, my love for my grandfather will be with me until my last breath. Death and loss seem extremely negative, but I have discovered there are some positive grieving tools that may be useful to others. One of the most impactful ways to remain positive during times of grief is to practice gratitude. I am very thankful for the eighteen years I had with my grandfather and I will fondly remember his wittiness especially when drinking horrible tasting ice tea. And I will remind myself to keep moving forward.
Questions
How do you openly grieve?
Are there any special customs or traditions used in your family to celebrate the loved one’s memory?
Can grieving be fixed?
Thanks for your candor, Roman. I hope writing this has been even a little bit consoling and therapeutic.
ReplyDeleteI don't grieve very openly, in the conventional sense. I just don't seem to be wired to emote that way. But I did find great solace in writing about my parents in 2008, when both died within a few months of one another. The writing brought happy memories to the surface, where they've stayed. The people who mean the most to you never leave you, so long as you keep their memory alive.