Zalen Ingram's Final Blogpost of Conflicting Thoughts

     I've been having these thoughts lately, what I would do to go back to high school, middle school even. How lax those years were, how happy I was back then to have my biggest worry be history homework. All the friends I had, I wish I kept in contact with them all. Now though, I'm honestly content. I think life is alright, I have a lot of things going for me, I still have many of those friends, nothing is too overbearing right now, just living in the present...

But why do I desperately want to go back?

    Am I afraid of growing up even more? I'm not suicidal in anyway, more the opposite as I want to live, but these thoughts are conflicting in a way. I lie awake in my bed thinking these over, frustrated. 

INGRAM: "Why is it that I must 'grow up'? Why can't I just..."

    I realize that I'm just babbling now, and I decide to try and sleep it off.

☆☆☆

    I'm walking through my old middle school, although it looks as if its been vacant for many years. Vines cover the walls and floor, puddles forming from the ceiling as the rain outside continues to not let up. I walk into the front office, and to my surprise I see a familiar figure at the desk. 

    NEIMAN: "Welcome back! Is it as you expected?"

    Ah, I understand now. A dream, with a strange sense of déjà vu along with it. I recognize the women as Susan Neiman, and shaking off the fright a few moments ago, I go along with it.

    INGRAM: "Uhm, not entirely no..."

    NEIMAN: "As is for most people, the past isn't as favorable as many may seem it to be. Do you feel dissatisfied, or anything similar, at all?"

    That question rested on my mind for a moment, until I told her,

    INGRAM: "No, I guess not. I mean, I am sad in some ways, but to see my old school makes me somewhat happy."

    NEIMAN: "Right, right. It's normal to feel a mixture of emotions when thinking about the past, however it's up to the person to make of what they will of those emotions. What have you done with those emotions, and why? Why revisit this place?"

    Susan walked towards the door to the rest of the school as she asked, holding it open for me. We walk down the main hall when I start to answer.

    INGRAM: "I feel as if I need some closure to my past, or something that will help me 'grow up' so to speak. I believe if I really look back on my life, I'll truly start to fully enjoy the present. As of right now, it feels like a standstill almost, where I am almost desperate to return to how simple life was, yet the freedoms that I have now almost certainly outweighs all the restrictions that I had. Yet here I am..."

    NEIMAN: "I see. Your point of view is more common than you think. I'm glad that you are challenging yourself this way in order to become a better person. It's true however, one must grow up, otherwise you'll be stuck and you will never be truly free. You bring a great point, understanding that in the past you couldn't really do much, always having to ask permissions and having others make options for you. However now, you have that potential to do whatever you want! You have the freedom to make your own choices, to take action on your life."

    INGRAM: "However this freedom comes at a cost, and that's what frightens me the most. When I was younger, I was rarely given any responsibilities, and haven't learned much of anything for when I was out of high school. Hell, I don't even know what my plan is once college is finished, I figured that it would just miraculously appear right in front of me just as everything else seemed to come."

    NEIMAN: "I understand this frustration well, very well in fact. You see, many think that their late teens and twenties will be the greatest years of their life, their prime. However, it really isn't. Of course your twenties aren't entirely miserable, but this thinking can lead to disappointment that many people experience in their pursuit towards maturity. The problems that these young people will deal with correlate directly with what problems you're dealing with right now; they're just starting out, without a clue in the world on what to do, no job plan, barely enough money. You still have two years and a half to fully figure out your plan until you're cast into the 'real world', yes? I can't say what'll happen in the coming years after, but you have plenty of time to make of it what you will."

Neiman's first topic is about why your twenties
won't be your best years to come

    We continued down the hall as I listened and deeply thought about what she said. What Susan had said gave me some much needed clarity, I'm not even into my twenties yet and I'm already reminiscing wanting to go back to being even younger. My understanding of this helped me greatly, but that just furthers my fear of becoming older. Time is starting to move faster, the world itself is getting worse, money is becoming more scarce, what's the point of it all? If all these freedoms I get aren't even guaranteed,

is life even worth living?

    As I'm finishing this thought, we arrive at an open area I can vaguely recognize as the cafeteria. Throughout the many round tables, there's a rather clean one with two men sitting at either side, listening intently to one another. However we arrive, they seem to casually wave in our direction. As I get closer, I suddenly recognize the two men as William James and John Kaag. 

    JAMES: "Hullo there! We were just catching up on some things as we were waiting on you two."

    KAAG: "Yes, we were wondering if they were going to be serving brunch at around this time."

    They both share a hearty laugh and lighten the mood as they motion us to come sit down with them. Before I even open to speak, they're faces get more stern.

    KAAG: "Say, what do you think is going to happen in the next four or eight years in your life?"

    INGRAM: "Well, uh, I hope I have a somewhat good job that I'm happy with, a stable income, a fine apartment to go with it, but I don't really know what'll happen."

    JAMES: "Well, there's your answer! You said it, just then and there didn't you? You don't know what'll happen, neither do we, your friends, or even your family will know. That is why I believe one should think very carefully when asking themselves if their own life is worth living."

    I was more surprised by his straightforward answer to my open ended question more than anything else that has happened in this dream of mine. Before I could question him myself, he spoke up again.

    JAMES: "No, I'm not a mind reader, but Kaag and I here heard everything as you two came down the main hall. When one questions the thought of growing up, it directly correlates with the thought of living, because one cannot live without literally growing up. Once Neiman told you that you're still much younger than you think, I just knew that would be your next line of thinking. Am I wrong at all?"

    INGRAM: "No, you're right on point actually. I've been thinking on what would be next for me in life, and the decisions I've made that have got me here. I just feel very unconfident in my actions recently, like I haven't been making the right decisions out ineptitude or straight-up laziness, and I've reached a point that will require difficult work or even luck for me to get out of."

    KAAG: "I understand where you're coming from, however you're forgetting what Neiman told you before down the hall: you're still young. You're only nineteen years old, saying that you've used up all this time instead of improving is a rather short-sighted claim. I believe you have it in you to still better yourself."

Kaag talks about his time at Nietzsche's house
also at 19 years old, radically changing his view on life 

NEIMAN: "Exactly."

INGRAM: "You're right, it completely slipped my mind from before, and I greatly appreciate your encouragement and feedback. My way of thinking about wanting to go to the past seems to have subsided, and while I am at times a little saddened when I think about it, I should rather be happy that they happened and that I'm still able to remember them."

JAMES: "And to try and re-adjust your thinking for the future, that freedom that you are so afraid of, embrace it. Believe in it. You have the freedom to think and the will to believe what you will. This freedom can allow extraordinary ideas to flow from your mind once you realize the liberation, and with those ideas you can act however you wish upon the world, whether it be great or, unfavorable. The blessing of freedom has a counter balance, as since everyone has the ability, many have chosen to believe that they are trapped, shackled by there own freedom to believe that they are not free. I cannot force you to choose to believe in yourself, but I can try to help you understand that the future is entirely in your hands."

☆☆☆

    I sat, pondering. It was difficult to process, but it was so simple. Of course I have the freedom to think or do whatever I want, but wasn't that what I was afraid of? 'The freedom to believe you are not free...' It sat with me for a while, such a straightforward thing to say, yet it sat with me. I've only really felt like I was at the point of no return because I've never really thought for myself, I've just been going along with the flow of everything. I was only afraid of growing up because this feeling of actual freedom is daunting, a new experience I've just grasped. As I finally realize at least this part of myself, I start to come to and awake in my bed. I look over at my clock and after seeing that it's 7a.m., I decide that my rest is well worth it after that soul searching, and I head back to a dreamless sleep.