Friendship, The Cure for Loneliness

Life is Hard by Kieran Setiya

Chapter Two: Loneliness

Blog authored by Kelson Casteel, Section  #10

    Loneliness is likely something we have all experienced in our lifetimes as it comes in many forms. Some of you may even be experiencing it now. But good news! There is already a cure. And that cure is true friendship. But be careful. Many people picture loneliness as the act of being alone, but it is possible to be lonely even amongst those you may call friends. If the latter is that case, then it may be possible that you may not have what Kieran Setiya calls true friendship. But before we get there, let's dig a little deeper into loneliness itself and the dangers it brings. 

    Humans are social creatures by creation and although the levels of socialization may differ, it is a key pillar of our individual survival. It is very normal for both introverted and extroverted behaviors to be displayed on a spectrum. This is where the distinction between being alone and being lonely comes into play. Even if an individual finds themselves alone or without company does not necessarily mean they are lonely. It is very normal for an introvert to require less social contact than an extrovert. However, all people are susceptible to being lonely. Being lonely is to lack deep connections. You may have friends, but if the object of your relationship is the relationship itself and not the individual, Setiya argues that you may be missing the point. A lack of deep connections means we are, as human beings, missing a vital source of our lives, both emotional and physical.

Other symptoms of loneliness outlined by the CDC: Health Risks of Social Isolation and Loneliness

    To be blunt, you should love your friends. You do not have to love them as you would a spouse or family member, but love them nonetheless. Love shows differently but at its core, it is the same concept for any meaningful relationship. Love is what brings meaning to relationships. A good friendship is not just one where you are helped by others, but one in which you help them in return. Setiya argues that is is the true cure for loneliness. 

"The way out of loneliness runs, ironically, through the needs of other people. It's about tending to them, not how they relate to you: concern for a potential friend, not a potential friendship."

-Kieran Setiya

  

    The image above depicts friends being helped but also helping each other. By affirming that others matter, you will deepen your connection with them and in return, their connection with you. And the wonder of this concept is that you can then become friends with anyone. Although it may be difficult to speak with strangers, by simply starting a conversation you can form a basic connection. By then investing in that person and recognizing them, you can form a meaningful friendship. Even though it takes time, you have to start somewhere. Every person you pass on the street is a whole new world and vision that you share with them if you only take the time to talk with them.

 

    Homework: I want you to ask yourself this question: Do I love my friends? If you can't answer that question with a yes, then don't worry, there is always time. Personally, I have no problem telling my best friends that I love them to their face. What is there to be embarrassed about? This compassion is a basic human trait. Simply put, I want you to develop meaningful relationships. Even if you already have one or more, not everyone does. By affirming others, we not only enrich our own lives, but we may very well save a life. And if you need someone to talk to, I would love to listen to your story.

Here is a link to a MayoClinic article talking about why friendship is so important and how you can make friends if you feel you need it: MayoClinic

Bonus video: Marcus Aurelius' Advice if You’re Tired of Life

If you are feeling lonely or think you may be nearing your breaking point, watch this quick video found recently from Daily Stoic on YouTube. It may not be the ultimate answer, but the advice here from Marcus Aurelius is worth listening to.

For emergencies, call 988. The suicide and crisis lifeline.

Remember, never give up. Stick around and ask for help if you need it.